Part 1
By all historical accounts, people are the same assholes they’ve always been. It’s why Earth is such a difficult place to live. One asshole cuts you off in morning traffic without using a signal (such a hard thing, using a signal, what with its mechanism being right next to one’s hand and all), another asshole swears you’re the dumb-ass because you gave her $1.01 to pay for a 76¢ purchase, another one declares the 14th Amendment doesn’t apply to women or homosexuals.
This assholeness is nothing new.
Introspection and reasoning are not common skills among humans ... “humans” because ironically, “people” seems to be the word that connotes humanity, a trait that simply does not apply. There are countless laws and rules, yet humans still argue that we are benevolent somehow. Then why do we need a law, say, against murder? Wouldn’t its incompatibility with humane society be obvious to the benevolent? It should be so with any just law, but no; instead, humans need someone to hold their hands and say, “Poor asshole(s). I know that when you want it, taking something seems right, but it is really important that what you take doesn’t belong to someone else.” The humans in question won’t be listening, by the way.
It doesn’t help that we set up systems that reward asshole behavior while deterring humanitarian actions. A friend of mine who is eager to complain about corporate person-hood recently revealed that he was one of The Gap’s henchmen who strong-armed merchants to lower their prices ... from 7 cents a shirt to 2, goods that are then sold in-store for upwards of 35 dollars each. He does not seem to recognize the reach of his contribution. Like all asshole employees who keep asshole companies in the black, he downplays his role, justifies it based upon his need for a paycheck. Corporations cannot exist without the assholes who work for them ... but that’s math, and humans are generally not very good at math.
I was at a party once with some asshole human chasing me around the room seeking redemption for having kept a wheelchair from an elderly disabled woman. It was this human’s job as an insurance adjuster to be an asshole to others in need. I guess she thought that because I was helping disabled veterans obtain benefits from the Department of Veterans Affairs, somehow I could free her from her emotional bondage. Instead I said, “You know you’re going to hell, don’t you?” How I wish I actually believed in hell. She continued following me, trying to catch my eye and the moment I changed my mind, but on behalf of that elderly disabled woman - who died before ever being able to successfully appeal the wheelchair denial - that asshole human got nothing from me but disdain. For that act, I have never made a profit. This is how I know the world is crap.
If you want humans to contribute to the humanity of people, then systems have to profit those contributions. We pretend we’re not animals, not shaped by the carrot and the stick, but that’s a lie. We are programmed and programmable like every other mammal. It’s very hard to counter that nature, so we absolutely must set those mechanisms in place that will develop a more humane species. Non-profit attorneys, for example, should earn more than corporate attorneys. Why? Because they are actually boosting humanity, and we want humans to prefer that choice over boosting greed and deception. ... wait, I hear someone arguing that corporations boost humanity by helping the economy and creating jobs, and I know I don’t have it in me right now to explain that every resource we need and use is already on Earth - where we happen to live - and money is absolutely unnecessary except as (wasteful) motivation for human workers to access and share these resources who if they were in fact so smart, rational, and reasonable would not need such a red herring in order to team up and get the needed jobs done ... and I mean “needed” jobs, like food harvesting and distribution, home construction, education. I’m sorry, but liposuction is the calling card of imbeciles in a world that is headed for environmental perish. Humans that claim to need corn chips and the neon signs that advertise corn chips and the individual and Costco size bags of corn chips more than everyone’s subsistence ... well, what I said to the insurance adjuster goes double.
Do you realize humans have spent more money entertaining themselves with movies depicting Extinction Level Events than they have ensuring prevention of such actual occurrences? Do you realize what it means that you never thought of that before?
Speaking of liposuction, when I was a (fat) child, I said to a neighbor, “Wouldn’t it be great if you could use a vacuum to suck the fat out?” I also thought of the nail polish pen and a host of other inventions I regarded as far afield of utilitarianism, and so the profits went into the pockets of others. I also turned down corporate law practice to earn at best 20% of potential earnings in civil and human rights advocacy, turned down a $250 million purse to box in Vegas, and rejected the dollars of every veteran client who ever tried to pay me for my services. I decided to make humanitarian decisions, rejecting those possibilities I believed would contribute to the very ills for which I had such contempt. In a Darwinian environment that rewards the assholes who invade lands and sell potions and lie their way to riches, thus designating “The Fittest” as those who are the least humanitarian, the least connected to the plights and struggles of others, the most prone to violent oppression and destruction, I chose nonviolence.
My choice doesn’t change anything. Humans are too much of a bad thing to set off course.
I have regrets.
The struggle of surviving in a world dominated by assholes leaves you with more than just a depleted bank account. The emotional toll is also immensely costly. I’ll spare you the details; let’s just say that at this point in my life, I regret not being the great asshole I might have and surely would have been under better circumstances. What if I had continued my youthful experience with privilege and gone to Stanford instead of UC Berkeley where my undeserved run-ins with racism and misogyny inspired me to eradicate the experience of oppression for others? What if I hadn’t been derailed by gender discrimination from my original career goals of playing in the NFL or flying combat jets for the Navy? Surely I could have been not only much more successful at assholeness - and thus, profit - but also I would likely never have developed the conscience that whispers to me in my sleep, “Don’t be an asshole!” and “Do something to stop these assholes from throwing their poo!” Alas....
I left Lucky’s grocery store this morning with more money than I had walking in, and I didn’t notice until I was in the parking lot counting my change. I wanted so badly to keep walking, to be that asshole I could have been and make a meager profit from it ... but I couldn’t do it. I turned right around, more and more angry at myself with every step as I approached the cashier to tell her of the error. Despite my having entered the entertainment industry, maybe I’m just too old to be a proper asshole ... which means at the end of the day (or at this rate, rather I should say “the end of the Earth”), perhaps I don’t need to dream of the asshole I could have been. It appears the biggest a’hole is me.
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